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Article: Worlds In Collision

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Worlds In Collision

As the rest of the economy slides into that soft landing we've been waiting for, hapless dot-coms just keep slamming into trees, hilltops and phone poles.

And that's good news for corporate hiring managers, since the flood of dot-com castoffs represents a rich source of cheap, panicky labor in a tight market. And that means castoffs and HR managers are going to be seeing a lot more of each other the next few months.

Unless there's some robust prep work done on both sides, however, the culture clash can be awkward and ugly. Here are some tips to help each side manage the process. First, hints for castoffs:

Tip #1

It's the Old Economy, Stupid.  Let's go through it one more time: The days of dictating terms to employers are over. Demand Tuesdays off for freelance work and you'll get a job all right. Only it'll be doing yard work in exchange for room and board at your folks' home in Jersey.

Tip #2

Camus' Dead. Get Over It.  You'll have to lose the aloof, existential tough-guy pose. That may have worked at ChewingGum.net, but you're no one now. Nothing. Nil. So lighten up and take a shave. Otherwise, you'll have plenty of real-life existentialism in your next job, sorting throw pillows at the local "Wicker 'N Stuff" home-tchotchkes outlet.

Tip #3

Work History? What Work History?  Let them think this is your first foray into the workforce. Let's face it, the 12 places you worked for in the last six months had some pretty dumb names. Kibu, Onvia, Flooz, Chickclick - these aren't even words let alone real businesses. In fact, weird names are one reason why the rest of us dislike you so much - and why we're taking such delight in your downfall.

Tip #4

What Work History, Part 2.  Just as you'll want to avoid citing former employers, be careful about previous job titles. Best to leave out your stint as Guerilla Marketer for Sweatsock.org when angling for that night manager's spot at the Winn-Dixie.

Tip #5

Speaking of Things to Avoid.  For Goodness sake, don't go slinging lingo like "CRM partnering practices require cultivating touch points for enhanced scalability within a P2P e-platform." The talk tends to be a bit more low-tech at the 3-2-1 Blist Off! blister-balm factory, where you'll be spending the downturn inventorying ointment tubes.

Now for you hiring managers, you'll want to be on your toes, too.

Tip #1

You're a Mommy Now.  Ex-dot-commers are a deeply depressed bunch. They still can't understand why Wall Street didn't reward their six long months in the working world with vast wealth and fawning profiles in Fast Company magazine. These interviews are going to be emotional, wrenching encounters, so keep a box of Kleenex close by. For them, too.

Tip #2

Wear Black Much?  Pretentious habits, like wearing all black from August to July, are hard to break, but they'll come around. If not, fire 'em. They're used to it.

Tip #3

What Goes Around and Comes Around, May Go Around Again.  Try not to be too rude to the prospects, despite the great temptation to toy with their hurt feelings. Remember: today's dopes may be tomorrow's CEOs.  In fact, you can count on it.

Tip #4

Steady, Mate.  It's going to happen: they're going to look at you like a middle-management toady.  You - the Regional Deputy Code Compliance Officer at Consolidated Fluid & Flame, author of the highly regarded Section IV, Paragraph 12.3(1)(e) of the Model Employment Manual. As condescending as this gang can be, keep your cool. After all, holding your fire helped get you where you are today.

And Finally, Tip #5

Go On, Have Some Fun.  Despite the risk, you really should take the opportunity to humiliate this crowd.  Maybe trot out that phony-baloney, "multi-phasic" psychological exam you and the fellas in Accounting cooked up at lunch last week - you know, the one with those questions about lineage, shoe size and lunch meat. You've got history's worst case of Schadenfreude on your shoulders, so let 'er rip.

Rich Pliskin is a public relations account supervisor from Princeton, N.J.